Test Drive it before you buy it

Looking back the younger years of dating was a lot easier, probably because expectations were not yet defined. Even then though I did my best to go out of my way to make my significant other smile at the time. Simple things like wearing the favorite shirt I had that she liked even if it was long sleeves and it was 95° out. That and my ability to make people laugh. Not sure if that was my having to be accepted or if it was just to make her smile.  It wasn’t until I got married the first time that I realized I  wasn’t necessarily happy I was content and most of my life existed making her happy not necessarily making me happy. I married young wasn’t necessarily one of the smartest things that I’ve done. Turns out the whole seven years we were together four which were married was just to show. In retrospect I don’t believe either one of us were really happy I think at the time we just got married because we were tired of living with our parents. I can’t say that the divorce was bitter but because I don’t really like to fight people that I do care about we amicably signed the papers and dissolved our marriage. We never really fought over material things however news to me I was left with a house that the mortgage was not caught up on which I was unaware of because even then I worked two or three jobs it does explain why she never fought me for the house we owned. And ironically a short time after filing for divorce she’s living cozy with one of our mutual friends guess that relationship was going on longer than I saw or maybe wanted to admit.  That whole experience was quite interesting for a short time period. My soon-to-be ex-wife her new boyfriend myself and then turned out to be my second wife all lived together or at least hung out in the house that my first wife and I owned.  Honestly as weird as that sounded by that point we all got along pretty well would watch movies together have dinner together it really was a Jerry Springer episode.

So this first serious relationship this marriage is probably where I first learned that rather than arguing and fighting sometimes it’s just better to be a responsible adult and try to reasonably solve your differences.  It’s also when I first learned that I really do possess the ability to be a levelheaded calm forward thinking respectable man.  I think part of the fallout that was that we both realized that we didn’t really live those college year.  At 19 we got married we were not even old enough to drink at that point.   I wish her and I would had the chance to live together before I proposed to her perhaps I would have realized we were completely on different levels. This is also where my OCD started to form, we had three cats a dog three guinea pigs and a rabbit my house stank and it was a mess. Took some time from then but one of the other lessons in life was sometimes just like a car, a relationship needs to be test driven before it bought. Especially now society is nowhere near where it was in my parents time, going back to the values that I spoke of one marriage for life. Nowadays both partners have the potential to be extremely successful professionally and if they want the relationship to be successful than they have to accept what the other’s choice and profession is. I think the other huge difference between the personalities of my first wife and I she was more of a homebody and I was more of the open outgoing person. So I would want to do things with family or friends and she basically would just want to stay home. Again if I would’ve test drove it before I bought it I would’ve learned that and she would have been an awesome friend to hang out with and we both would’ve been spared the emotional roller coaster.

I think that’s where I am going to end this one and this one for now.  Hopefully in your own life you wind up reading this and walking away with a little bit of knowledge that may help you in your current relationship or in your quest to find the one.

So after writing this I read it and again I am not a literary scholar this are thoughts as they come with a small attempt at making it flow. It did help me understand things like,  I am a good hearted man that goes out of his way and at time sacrificing my comfort to please others.  Which I think is actually a good thing as long as it is controlled , this way one does not become used. I have also learned that relationships need to be a slow climb constantly evaluating personal needs in addition to the needs of your other. One must be able to feel comfortable in their own skin and be open to discuss things before it is to late. Mutual goals and understanding have to be set. For the love of god test drive it before you buy it, you have to be compatible. Looks change what should matter is things like the way you feel or how you are treated not how many heads you or your other can turn cause chances are those looks will change as age progresses and in some cases it will not be for the better. Tight asses and chests turn into a battle between gravity and will be eventually beaten by the fronts and backs of her knees as the start to sag.  Guys that are ripped usually die sooner not to mention you want to be their obsession not the gym or their reflection in a mirror. Not to mention those high maintenance attractions usually are mentally  draining and basically just a self indulgent fling. Balance is more important so fit is good even better if they posses other skills, like communication, humor, love, self worth and confidence.

Next post will be about other experience in relationships that people that have shared with me, no I will not be telling you their real names. STAY TUNED

Thank you again for reading this blog please comment, and feel free to share it.


Looking back to the Start

As it turns out I have been in this downward spiral of relationships. A friend of mine called me out one day and suggested to me why I perhaps wind up in the type of relationships that I have been in.  She said that I was afraid to date someone that was put together and successful because you would not be able to handle it because I feel I need something to fix. It was a bold statement but was she right…..  Being the sensible guy that I am I asked her to explain her logic? She said that I have mommy bird syndrome I have this need to nurture and take care of all that are close to me. I seem to have this ability to find attract and get attached to people that are broken, most likely because I did not think that I could handle a women that is confidant and stable.  So I stood there for a minute and thought about our conversation. You know you may be right I am an old soul of old values and I have been brought up that it is a male responsibility to provide and take care of the female.  The realization for me was maybe in the time to which I was taught those values they were the way. It seemed now was a time to which the chivalrous  part of me still needed to be however, it was ok if my mate  took care of me etc. She actually suggested that based upon my past relationships I should consider writing a blog to maybe help others to get through situations that may be similar to their own.

So about a week or two passed and I kept thinking about my conversation.  It caused me to evaluate every relationship I have had as far back as I can remember. She really might be right, it took so many years for someone to turn the light on in my mind. It was decided on that night that I needed to rethink what I thought was right.

After my epiphany I decided that an evaluation of me was the first step to my quest to find the one.  This is not a woe is me moment but hang in there. I needed to pick apart myself to rebuild myself. Thinking back I was an overweight kid in a black neighborhood that used to be picked on and bullied all the time. My home life was not the best at all I am the youngest I have one brother and two sisters.  Mom did her best and really the fact that my siblings and I did not wind up addicts or in jail was because of her strength. Dad was there but, hardly sober until he got really sick and couldn’t work or drink anymore.  The reason I share this is to show where I first realized that I was not going to be evil and I was going to take care of everyone. Realizing that early in my development that the way my mom, siblings and I were treated was not right it was frankly unacceptable. Looking back to that section of my childhood caused me to realize that,  People matter and do not deserve to live in that type of negative, I vowed that I would never be that way and that others needs were more important than my own .

Ok thanks for sharing your life story but WHY???  The answer is simple. Because this is where it started. Mom always taught me to be good you respect and take care of the lady, you provide for the family. I know what you are thinking sounds like a fairytale and based on what I shared you know my life nor hers was. I asked her one day why we stay, her response was because everyone needs to be loved. He is your father and my husband if we do not help him who will.

So I guess that is the first part of this blog that matters. We are the products of our upbringing however, you still can choose your path. The first step is break yourself down. Bring all the dirt out. The key is you identify the start and recognize it and understand why you have made some of the choices you have. Once you figure the start out decide if you are on the right course or would a slight change bring you closer to your goals.

Thanks for reading more to come about the actual relationships soon.

Wanted to share this link , speaks on how successful women will most likely be single because of values taught to men.