Relationships……….Always about communication and the Benjamin’s

One of our reader has had the courage to share her story with us. I know looking back tough my relationships I know have been there as well. So I share Kelly’s story and my comments about my life and what I have learned shall follow.

Kelly writes:

“My experience has been in the financial area. From 2000-2003 I was in a relationship with, what I thought at the time was a cheap ass. He didn’t spend much on anything but when he did it was big. For example, he wouldn’t buy himself anything but necessities, we rarely went to dinner, movie, etc on any type of regular basis. However, when he bought himself a new pickup truck, he put 50% down. It was $45,000. When we did go somewhere, it was 10 days to Wildwood. He never came home with flowers “just because” but came home with the engagement ring of my dreams. Go big or go home was his motto. He was good at saving and budgeting because his mom taught him how. She raised him & his brother on her own. She had to budget closely & save where she could. 
Why are we still not together then? I was working FT as a medical admin & PT at a pharmacy. Between the two jobs I had more money coming in than I had time to spend. Not a bad thing. I decided it was time & that I was able to move out of my parents’ house. I was 23. I had known this guy for many years & we had mutual friends so we saw one another often. We would talk to one another when we had problems. He was home with his mom & brother & many of our friends were also getting out on their own. He decided he was ready to do the same. After 4 short months, I discovered that living on my own was not easy financially, & I hated living alone. I could pay my bills, buy food, all that stuff, but when something big happened, car breaking down, needing a new washer machine, etc. it set me back. This guy & I got talking & decided let’s get a place together. It would help me financially & even though he didn’t need the help financially, he was ready to move out. We found a modern 2 bedroom close to work for us both & signed a 2 year lease. All was bliss for the first year. I then began having medical issues that caused me to be unable to work. I felt since, by the second year of us living together we were engaged, that two people support one another in a relationship. Financially being one way. This person was more along the lines of since we were not married yet, your stuff is paid by your money & my stuff is paid by mine. Selfish I thought & still do think so. After one week of being home wondering what the hell was wrong with me, I got myself to my doctor. When I came home with my prognosis, he told me that if I could not work & could not pay my part of the bills for the apartment, “There’s the door. Don’t let it hit you in the ass.” The next week I was packing up everything I had brought to the apartment & moving home with my parents. Devastated, & feeling like a failure. I thought, what the hell happened to for better or worse. If he couldn’t support me not only financially but lovingly when I was sick, he wouldn’t have done it after the wedding.
Fast forward……..12 years. He is still the same regarding finances & money. Me, the lessons in budgeting & saving he tried to show me & get me to live by back then, took me about 9 more years to learn. I am now married to someone that although he is older than I am, is no more financially responsible than I was at 23. I am now going through with my husband what I put that guy through years ago. In sickness my husband & I support one another. However, he is a firm believer in what’s mine is mine & what’s yours is also mine. Point being, where money is concerned, if one of you is not wealthy, you need to budget. If one person is willing to do so & be responsible while the other person in the relationship wants to spend Fridays check by Monday & not paying bills, there is going to be a problem. Find this out in the relationship before moving in together, getting married, etc because if you don’t & can’t agree on a method to meet on common ground, the relationship will not work out.
Here ends my book. Thank you.
Kelly”

This story kind of brings me back to a couple of my other posts.  In life we all have the pre conceived notion of what our perfect relationship is.  Web MD has defined a list of 7 common relation problem finances is one of them. I will post the link to that WEB MD story and a couple others below.

My personal opinion is if you are sharing a house and are engaged to be married you basically should in my opinion be there to support each other whatever the situation may be. Now I wouldn’t support going out and blowing a crap ton of cash on material needs, I have always and most likely will still be the giver. Hell even with close friends I will put out whatever they need if I can reach it. I have been in this situation in my married life I was the primary provider for the most part. In one of my last relationships I was at a point between jobs and I have to say in both the times I found myself in need both of my EX’s stepped up to help while we were together. Financially I am still a mess I can budget others money better than my own but I am confident that one day I will get there, I am also sharing a couple other web links for your reading pleasure. There is also one on budgeting.

Thank you again Kelly for your story and having the courage to share it with us.

If you want to shares a story or a topic please email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com . Also please feel free to share this blog to people you think it will help. After all that is why I do it. To help others thereby helping myself.

Dave Ramsey’s Budgeting guide

www.daveramsey.com/blog/free-download-budgeting-guide

WEB MD article on 7 relationship problems and how to solve them.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them

Green Paths article on relationships and money

http://www.greenpath.com/resources-tools/financial-library/money-management/relationships-and-money

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I thought you had a pretty mouth can you please just close it!!!!

dolphnotes

So one of the most common problems after a relationship after a relation ship is the gossip machine. I hear it all the time . The ex talking crap and spreading rumors sometimes years after the break up . So my question is If they sucked that bad and you broke up, why continue to talk about them. Listen I understand that a break up can be emotionally scaring and you need that one true friend to let it all out to. However, if you broke up and they were that terrible to you then stop talking to others about them. Personally I have experienced this more times then I care to admit. So why do I think the EX does this. Well a few reasons. In their mind they most likely mis you and the relationship they are in is not as good as it was with you. Could…

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I thought you had a pretty mouth can you please just close it!!!!

So one of the most common problems after a relationship after a relation ship is the gossip machine. I hear it all the time . The ex talking crap and spreading rumors sometimes years after the break up . So my question is If they sucked that bad and you broke up, why continue to talk about them. Listen I understand that a break up can be emotionally scaring and you need that one true friend to let it all out to. However, if you broke up and they were that terrible to you then stop talking to others about them. Personally I have experienced this more times then I care to admit. So why do I think the EX does this. Well a few reasons. In their mind they most likely mis you and the relationship they are in is not as good as it was with you. Could also be that they have to justify to themselves that you were the problem and they were not. They are simply self centered evil people. Or it can be that they were not happy with you and feel that no one that is with you should be. JUST STOP AND GROW THE HELL UP. You didn’t want them it didn’t work stop being little bitches and let it go. If the person you were with really loved you even 2 or 3 years down the road your words hurt. Let them have their closure. Get help find a hobby other then trying to ruin some else’s life. I have had 2 that continue to attempt to cause drama in my life. Hell I have gone as far as moving to a different county but yet the drama still comes. It is not healthy for anyone involved. Hey why not try and and solve those issues and just move on and allow your ex to do the same. In most cases the true reason of a break up is unknown. Its funny in a relationship you try and protect the others feeling by watching what you say and keeping true thoughts at times to yourself. In the end it’s a MMA fight with no rules. If you ever said I love you to this person why would you do this.

Lets take a moment and talk about friends. One other common problem is your friends. You know the ones you abandon when you find this awesome person that takes all of your time. Well news flash STOP ABANDONING YOUR TRUE FRIENDS. If your current partner does not like your friends well try and talk about it and work it out. Listen I understand we all have that bad influence. Love should not be control you may not like one of your partners friends but frankly who the hell do you think you are ? This type attitude is the start of the demise of your relationship. No one likes to be controlled. So stop it. You need to figure out balance if you do not wanna hang out with your partners friends it is ok but you shouldn’t expect them not to. You need to balance time for you as a couple and time for that interaction with your friends. If you love someone you should be able to trust them , guess what if you can not trust them for the love of cake GET OUT OF IT. Underlying mistrust will eat away at you. I find myself in a problem in this area well to things actually I have a lot of female friends they talk to me a lot. I hug them when I see them hell I hug my guy friends as well. In one of my recent relationships I made a mistake BAD DOLPH!!!!!! I shared that I liked a couple of my friends. This was the start of the demise of my relationship. One would think honesty is one of the things that a women would want. Now did that mean I was going to break up and date one of them well no. What should I have expected after all my exs all of them knew my phone passcode and email passcode, I was confident in my trust and relationship that I would not hide a thing. Funny part is they all locked their phones and would like try and hide the phone screen from me. Guess I was the only honest one.

So what do I hope this post accomplishes. For me it was Honesty and trust are important. Friends are important just as I wanted to be trusted I needed to trust. Balance you need other people in your life not just your partner. Let’s face it if it does not work out with your partner these are the people to get you through.

Thanks for reading hope it helps please share your comments. Until next week keep rebuilding your worth it

Are you Level?

So the focus of this post is about being on different levels , This could be emotionally , future goals, financially, sexually, or whatever. The basic point is that you and your other are simply not on the same page.
In my own experience I can say that my most recent few relationships were this way . I know since I am attracted to women that are younger there is a varying difference in experience, there are simply things that I might have already experienced and worked through that they have not. Now please do not get me wrong AGE DOES NOT matter. As long as both people are adults. Way too many people get scared of this. Happiness is beyond a number of seconds one has exchanged CO2 for O2. Point is there may have been a situation that arose and I might not have been as emotional about it as they were. Now one may think that this could be a good thing because after all a relationship is supposed to be about two people that are there to help one and another through things. Well in some cases this theory is wrong. Sometimes ones lack of emotion is translated into one not caring. In my case this was the furthest thing from the truth I did care, I chose to be the stronger one and support my other. It was taken as if I didn’t care which was not the case. This obviously did not work since I am now single.

I recently asked some friends and other readers of this blog to send in some stories about experiences they have had and I have gotten a few. Now they do not wish to have their names disclosed but the stories are valid and I will generalize their story. Remember I only have one side of the stories so I will generalize my opinion based upon that. I am simply using my experience to interpret what I have been told. I take no one specific side.

Story one I will summarize by saying, in this particular relationship on partner was focused on working hard and trying to provide a better future for both partners and a child from a previous relationship. It was felt that the future goal or one partner was not the same as the other. The job that at the time was golden ended and a financial burden was created. This caused strain on the relationship and it ended. In retrospect honesty and better communication could have possible prevented this. Furthermore , both partners were not at the same level, One was focused on what they thought was a mutual goal and understanding and the other was focused on their own goals.

The next is a pretty common one among the younger readers I have had 13 people submit stories all similar. The summation is the one partner is looking for the longer term commitment and the other is trying to achieve something completely different. It seems that it is far to common that within the younger group that usually there is a partner committed fully to the satisfaction of the the other and working towards spending their lives together. The problem is that the other is basically just using their partner. Be it for money , a place to stay, and escape from reality, sex, or ETC. Maybe there are people out there that if these needs were defined earlier on in the relationship it might have been ok with both. In most cases this is not the truth. Usually the user plays the game and makes the committed one feel like they are the world but in the end they were just using the other. This can and is extremely devastating to the committed person. I have found myself in this situation far too many times within my dating experience. I have always been the committed one and some of these break ups were extremely hard and came out of nowhere. Looking back if I was told in the beginning what the intent was I perhaps would not have gotten so attached. If we leveled that field perhaps the run would have been easier.

After reading these stories and looking back through my own relationships I have realized the following.

• Communicate with your other share feelings and goals. You do not have to completely agree , however you should respect each other enough to support the others position.

• Sexual experiences are the most common thing that people in relationships are afraid to talk to each other about. JUST TALK IF YOU TRUSTED THEM ENOUGH TO SEE YOU NAKE YOU SHOULD THEN TRUST THEM WITH WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE DONE TO YOUR NAKEDNESS. Who knows you both may actually like it and become closer.

• If your intent is to be used as or use someone as a booty call then for the love of lube BE HONEST and tell them.

• Stop using people, again unless your intent is fully disclosed and you are both accepting to it.

• Share your future goals they may not be the exact same as your significant others however, it levels the foundation for a stable building platform of your future.

• TALK TO EACH OTHER TRUTHFULLY STOP MISLEADING EACH OTHER >>>>>>>>

• As strong as a the heart muscle is it already has a huge responsibility stop being the cause of someones stress on their heart.

Try and find the balanced level within your relationship .  Takes time but honesty and communication are a huge part of it.

As always thanks for reading please feel free to leave comments below.
Additionally , if you would like to be a contributor to dolphnotes and would like to write an article please email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com , or if you would like your story shared please email it to me please remember to let me know in the email if you would like your name shared or not.

Remember this is a way to help each other through relationship issues. Thanks to all that read I am truly humbled with the 300+ followers between FB , twitter and subscribing to this page which by the way is free.

Thank you so much for reading. Next article to be published soon. 🙂

Interesting web post PS do not wait 3 months to ask

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