Do Nice Guys/Gals Finish Last? Nice guys (and girls) approach relationships carefully and respectfully. And what do they get for all this thoughtfulness? Too often, it seems, nothing at all. When it comes to dating, nice guys/girls get the shaft—or at least it feels that way.
Playing the Odds vs. Playing to Win
While it may seem like the villain always nabs the guy/girl, is it really true? Or do we just perceive that bad guys/girls are luckier in love because when it does happen it strikes us as so unjust?
True, more assertive personalities tend to capture our attention more. But while such people leave an impression, it is not always a favorable one. Still, if you hit on 20 people and even one person finds it charming, you may be perceived as good with the ladies (or gents). By contrast, a person who approaches fewer people will probably have fewer partners. But he or she may be just as “successful”—or more so—in terms of the percentage of people who are interested in him/her.
Because of their “fearlessness,” bad boys/girls often do have more romantic partners. But when it comes to making a lasting commitment, those same individuals may be ruled ineligible—and not just because he/she isn’t someone you can “take home to your mother.” Deep down, we know such people can never feel like home to us. We can’t rationally commit to sharing a life with someone we don’t trust to be left alone for even a few hours.
Cognitive psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., puts it this way “…if you conceptualize winning as racking up a lot of different sexual partners [then jerks may have the advantage]. If your personal definition of winning is finding a high-quality long-term mate and making the relationship work, then research does show there are advantages to being conscientiousness and agreeable.”
So nice trumps naughty, at least when it comes to lasting relationship potential. But do we have to forfeit everything that is so attractive about bad boys/girls?
Why Wrong Seems So Right
It may be that people are not so much attracted to bad behavior as to the personality traits that often accompany bad boys/girls. These “companion” attributes may include charisma, sociability, confidence, etc. But these attributes aren’t incompatible with basic human decency. For example, there is no compelling reason why you can’t be both nice and confident.
In fact, combining the best traits in bad boys/girls with the best traits in nice guys/girls can be a winsome combination. Someone exciting—but who you can trust to not steal your car and run off with your best friend. Someone who retains a bit of their mystery—but not because they are concealing a prison record a mile long.
If you regularly buy into the bad boy/girl mystique, here’s a quick reminder of what you already know. Such individuals are generally more selfish, narcissistic and impulsive. They are more likely to be unfaithful, to engage in unsafe sex or to be addicted to drugs or alcohol. They may be unreliable at work or inconsistent with money. And should you ever want to have a family, these same behaviors may negatively impact your children as well. When you put it all down on paper, bad boys/girls are not nearly as attractive as they initially seem.
Hope for the Nice Guy/Girl
Not everyone chases after bad guys/girls. In fact, some of the most datable people out there are instinctively wary of such types. Others may have to learn that lesson the hard way: through a few broken hearts.
If you seem doomed to chronic niceness, don’t despair. Being nice doesn’t require you to give up your opinions, your self-respect or your personality. In fact, retaining these qualities alongside your niceness may make you wildly irresistible—at least to one lucky man or woman. Continue being the kind of person you would want date and, odds are, you will eventually attract a partner of a similar caliber. Remember that at least when it comes to love stories, the hero wins in the end.
There is another interesting article on this subject Written in 2012 by :
Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D.
The Attraction Doctor
Please follow the link to his article that I am referencing.
I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.
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