Self Sabotaging Behavior will kill your relationship.

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Relationship sabotage comes from one place: insecurity. It manifests as jealousy, gossip, fighting, and unforgiveness. If you see your relationships falling apart repeatedly, then it is possible that you are the one sabotaging your own success. This applies to relationships in business, family, marriage, neighbors, and friendships. Take a look at the major complaint that you have in your relationships. What is the one thing that you find yourself saying over and over again? Do you find yourself saying,” They don’t really love me,” or “They are going to betray me,” or “They are unfair with me.” Notice that your expectancy concerning the relationship is centered around what you want to receive. Your expectations are self-centered rather than “other-centered.” Your ultimate goal should be focused on being relationship centered. In other words, what is the healthy choice for the benefit of the relationship? What does the other person need from the relationship? What would a healthy relationship look like? A successful relationship depends solely on overcoming your insecurity and contributing to the relationship rather than taking from it. You do have something to offer! Make a plan to avoid the following pitfalls and overcome the symptoms of insecurity and incorporate healthy patterns of communicating!

 

Fighting destabilizes your relationships and breaks the bonds of intimacy. When disagreements escalate into a fight, then you have maneuvered yourself into a position to fight for your point of view rather than negotiating for an outcome that is mutually beneficial. It is possible to engage in a friendly debate, however, if you allow your communication to become defensive of your position, then you will break down the bonds of a healthy relationship.

 

Holding a grudge is a like carrying around a 50lb weight on your shoulders. The act of forgiveness means moving beyond the pain and releasing the other party from responsibility. Forgiveness does not excuse the injustice. Forgiveness only allows you to move forward. Once there was a young bride who asked her grandmother the secret to a long marriage. Her grandmother thought for a moment then she slowly spoke, “Before I married your grandfather, I decided on a list of twenty things I would automatically forgive if your grandfather did them. The problem was, I never wrote them down. So, each time he was offensive I would think over my list and it seemed to me that most things were on that list. But I may never know for sure. What I do know, is that overlooking the small things helped us when we encountered the big things.” Keep in mind that forgiveness does not apply in circumstances of abuse. Don’t allow the old pain of the past to impose itself on our new healthy relationships. It will act like a poison to destroy what you have.

 

Jealousy occurs when you feel threatened by either another individual or something else. Are you jealous about the amount of time your wife spends at the office? Or are you jealous of the time your husband spends on the golf course? Ask yourself, why are you insecure? Is the threat real or imagined? Don’t allow yourself to dream up worst case scenarios. Jealousy will drive you to act in ways that are possessive to protect your interests or it will drive you to be defensive because you are feeling threatened. Being suspicious all the time is exhausting work. The hypervigilance toward any threats will make you cranky and difficult to be around. Think about it this way, if you really can’t trust the other person – perhaps there is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. Either you need some healthy confrontation or the relationship needs to be terminated. Jealousy is only a defensive response for someone who feels powerless – and you are not powerless!

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Keeping score will undermine the success of your relationship. If you keep score, then logically, someone is a winner and someone is a loser. Your goal should be to have a thriving partnership and eliminating competitiveness will go a long way to establishing a safe environment for personal growth. If you find that you always need to be right or have the last word, then you are driving the relationship into the ground and contributing to the failure of the relationship. If this is an issue for you, look at why you are unwilling to give your partner the freedom to fail.

Finding fault is like picking apart your house piece by piece. Eventually it will fall down around you. Whether you justify it by claiming you are a perfectionist or you are helping your partner improve – the results are the same – you are destroying the relationship. Think about when someone has constantly found fault with you – how did you feel? The effects are devastating on a relationship. Acceptance of your partner is the goal. Any habits that are “deal breakers” should be addressed directly and negotiated.

 

Controlling every situation is another relationship-destroyer. You may want to ask why you are not more comfortable with allowing others to be themselves. Inflexibility and unwillingness to negotiate is the sign of insecurity. I realize that not being in control can make you feel vulnerable however, there are legitimate areas for you to control and illegitimate areas of control. If the relationship is abusive and creating a toxic environment for children, then exercising a supreme amount of control is warranted in order to ensure safety. Micromanaging another person is out of bounds if you want a thriving relationship. No one is ever going to do things exactly the way that you do! Lighten up and give your partner space to express themselves.

 

A victim mentality will suck the energy out of your relationships and selfishly divert the spotlight onto yourself. I have found a unique attribute of 100% of people with a victim mentality. Surprise! 100% of them have been victimized. Yes, victim mentality actually comes from being subjected to injustice and trauma. And this can take many forms. Trauma can be violent or more subtle. Divorce is an emotional trauma that can make it difficult to trust or move forward in healthy relationships. The goal for overcoming victim mentality is to take the focus off of yourself. Is victim mentality self-centered and self-serving? Absolutely. If you think about it, a victim mentality is in place to prevent you from being victimized. Unfortunately, however, this hyper-vigilance to protect yourself maintains the focus on you. The health of any relationship depends on being other-focused. If you allow the pain of your past relationships to influence your current relationships, then you are bringing that past poison into the present. My suggestion? Leave that poison in the past.

 

Passive-aggressive behavior is meant to punish or wound someone else without having to directly confront the individual. It is used by those who are either unwilling or unable to creatively engage in a constructive dialog. Slamming doors, the “silent treatment”, an averted gaze, or a curt tone are examples of passive aggression. Simply put, it is a mechanism for avoiding confrontation. It is possible that you are afraid of confrontation because your experience has taught you that confrontation is ugly and violent. Perhaps, you lack confrontation skills and you are afraid that any confrontation will escalate into a fight that you cannot win. If you approach confrontation from the standpoint of opening up communication on a specific subject and learning what you can about the other person’s perspective, then you will have the right attitude. From there, you can practice and learn how you can move beyond passive aggressive punishment and open a clear path for communication.

 

Gossiping about your partner’s flaws will break down trust. Ultimately, getting someone to take your side, will not contribute to a strong relationship. Consequently, gossip is the precursor to the total breakdown and destruction of intimacy. Sharing your frustration will not gain sympathy or make you look superior. Loyalty and building a bond are essential components to moving forward with a successful relationship.

 

Running at the first sign of trouble ….. or serious commitment possibilities – is the sign of insecurity. The insecurity exists because you may lack the conviction to stick it out through the difficult times, or you may fear the consequences of a more permanent commitment. Are you afraid of commitment? Are you afraid of abandonment? Evaluate the insecurities that prompt you to abandon your relationships prematurely.

 

Finally, honestly assess how insecurity has sabotaged your relationships. How does it manifest and what can you do to stop the cycle of dysfunction? Randi Gunther, PhD,Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love, states: “Relationship saboteurs do not set out to fail in their love relationships. More often, they don’t even realize how behaviors that may have once been seen as attractive now push their partners away. When the relationship ends, the relationship saboteur often feels blind-sided without ever understanding why.”

 

As always thank you for reading, this topic comes with a lot of research. Self-sabotage is a silent killer of amazing relationships.  I am thankful that I researched it and was able to start rethinking my actions. You see I have been in a relationship for just over 3 months now. She is amazing frankly an awesome fit for me. Sadly, I was sub consciously allowing mental blocks from my past to attempt to sabotage our relationship. Now I have new knowledge and some tools to prevent that from happening. So, to Self-sabotage I say NOT TODAY SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

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Then vs Now the dangers of this in your relationship

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When a relationship ends, we figure out what we do and do not want our next relationship to include. We don’t want to be with someone who evokes the parts of our exes that we dislike.

In fact, sometimes we want our next relationship to be with somebody who is the complete opposite of our most recent ex.

However, when said new relationship begins, we are inclined to start playing the comparison game. It makes sense: A role that was once held by one person has been recast.

It’s like when television shows swap characters out for new actors and you can’t help but compare how the newbie compares to the original.

It’s especially easy to compare our past and present significant others if they have similar traits, which is common for people who claim to have a “type.”

We must stop trivializing our relationships in this comparative manner. Learning and comparing are two completely different things.

While we should learn from our exes to enhance our new relationships, we should not compare one to another.

If we want our new relationships to thrive, we must disallow ourselves from comparison in our love-life history as much as possible.

Just as the universe allows us additional chances, allow you and your partner to redefine what love means:

Have Faith In Your New Significant Other

If you got screwed over in any of your past relationships, it is understandable to be guarded and proceed with caution.

Still, if you are able to get involved once again after the pain from your past, you must allow yourself to have faith in your new partner.

This new person is not your ex, and though there is always potential that he or she can hurt you in a similar or new way, comparing him or her to the heartbreak you experienced once before will make it much harder for you to see your new partner at his or her fullest potential.

Even more, the associated fear will inhibit you from opening yourself up in your new relationship. Dating always provides for risks, and if you are focusing on all the ways the relationship could go wrong, it will be much easier for it to crash and burn.

Yes, your partner could hurt you, but he or she could very well be the one to restore your faith in love and relationships. Give this person a chance to do the latter.

Remember That Your Past Relationships Have Ended For A Reason

Comparing life to death is pointless, much like comparing relationships that have ended with those that are in full bloom.

Every relationship will have an end of some sort, but it could be a happy one. Even when things end badly, they allow us to begin again. Just think, if your past relationships didn’t end, you would not be where or with whom you are today.

So, while you may have ended one relationship, it doesn’t mean it’s your final ending. Our past relationships ended in part, so we could start our new ones.

Instead of comparing one to the other, we should be thankful for our exes for leading us to our new relationships.

 

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Separate The “Back Then” From The “Right Now”

Our exes are our “back then.” Like any good throwback Thursday picture, we can look back and learn from them.

“Back then,” we did not know as much as we do today. “Back then,” we did not experience as much as we now have. “Back then” is behind us, and dwelling on it will ruin our current relationships or our “right nows.”

Our “right nows” are the people who are experiencing everything with us in the present. They are inspiring us to stop looking back, focus on the current moment and, perhaps, they are even sparking daydreams about the future.

A new relationship means there is potential for all of the exciting firsts: the first date, the first kiss, the first fight, the first “I love you.” We cannot fully enjoy those firsts in the “right now” if we are charting their similarities and differences to our “back thens.”

Your 20/20 Is For Hindsight Only — Don’t Let It Influence You Now

We’ve all had that aha moment after a relationship, when we emerge from the fog and are able to look at the past with total clarity.

Unfortunately, hindsight vision does not help us when we are trying to look forward.

While we should proceed with caution, if we experience things that are far too similar to something we have encountered before, we should not wait for elements of the past to come into our present.

We don’t have to completely wash our memories of past relationships, but we need to separately categorize our past and our present.

After all, our “right now” relationship could be our future, while our “back then” is simply how we became who we are in our “right now.”

 

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

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6 Reasons relationships suffer…

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“Every relationship needs an argument every now and then.  Just to prove that it is strong enough to survive.  Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
―Nicholas Sparks

At some point, we all get involved in a serious relationship, be it falling in love with a significant other, or simply establishing an amazingly close friendship.  As soon as this relationship is in place, both parties must do their part to nurture it.   When they fail to do so, solidarity is gradually replaced with suffering.

Although I sincerely hope your closest relationships are not suffering, if you have found yourself in this kind of predicament (as we all do sometimes), chances are the problem can be traced back to one or a few causes.  If your relationships are all rainbows and butterflies right now, consider yourself lucky – this list will simply provide some good food for thought.

  1. Presumed expectations about how someone “should be.”

You don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re perfect, you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not.  “Perfection” is a deadly fantasy – something none of us will ever be.  So, beware of your tendency to “fix” someone when they’re NOT broken.  They are perfectly imperfect, just the way they should be.

Truthfully, the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier your relationship with them will be.  No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them to, ever.  They are not YOU – they will not love, give, understand or respond like you do.

The biggest disappointments in life and in relationships are the result of misplaced expectations.  Tempering unrealistic expectations of how something or someone “should be” will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering.

  1. Searching for the missing pieces of YOU in someone else.

When we’re feeling incomplete, we tend to go out looking for somebody else to complete us.  Initially we meet someone who’s compatible with us and they distract us from our deficiency, at least for a while.  Then a few months or years into the relationship, we find that we’re still feeling incomplete, so we blame our friend or lover.  It feels like they’ve changed, but in reality, they haven’t; they’ve just become less of a distraction to our own growing, inner void.

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Ultimately what you need to realize is that while a close friend or lover can add beautiful dimensions to your life, YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment.  Only you can complete yourself.  Nobody else can provide your missing pieces, and to believe otherwise is to succumb to a lifetime of feeling broken, as every relationship you enter eventually ends in hopeless disappointment.

  1. Poor communication.

Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your friend or lover.  Why aren’t you saying something?  Are you afraid they’ll get upset?  Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.  Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens, festers and explodes out of you.

Great communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship.  If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow.  If you’re feeling jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities.  If you have expectations of your friend or lover, you must communicate them clearly.  If there are any problems whatsoever, you must get them out of your head and into the open so they can be worked out.

Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication running.  Always give the important people in your life the information they need to understand you.  And communicate more than just problems – communicate the good things too.  Share what you love about your friend or lover.  Share what is going on in your mind and heart.  Share your deepest thoughts, needs, wishes, hopes and dreams.

  1. Little lies that add up.

Anything is better than lies.  They are like a cancer in the heart and soul.  They eat away what is good and leave only decay and devastation behind.  If you spend your life learning to lie to the people around you, not only will you hurt and deceive them, you will also hurt and deceive yourself – you will forget your own truth.

There is perhaps no phenomenon that is more destructive to a relationship than dishonesty, which permits envy, hate and deception to be acted out under the guise of love and virtue.  Even the smallest, seemingly innocent lies eventually snowball into larger issues.  Stand by the whole truth – your truth – always.  If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t and don’t, then DON’T LIE.

It’s always better to tell the whole truth up front.  Don’t play games with the minds and hearts of others.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect your friends or lover to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies.

Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt.  Lying, cheating and messing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts.  Honesty is the healing remedy.

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  1. Lack of presence.

Presence is complete awareness, or paying full attention to “the now.”  If you do not find at least some amount of presence in the moments you share with those you care about, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, or otherwise connect with them on a meaningful level.

Presence is looking inward and learning how to be with yourself, in the moment, see the gears turning, embrace what’s in your immediate vicinity, and thereby put space around destructive thoughts of other times and places, as you apply your full energy to the “here and now.”  The idea is that you must first attend to the reality of the moment before you can effectively contribute anything positive to it.

Simply being completely present with someone else is difficult because it requires you to share yourself completely, vulnerabilities and all, and enter a moment of unguarded honesty with this person.

To cultivate your presence, all you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire and put your full attention on your breath – thinking only of what each inhale and exhale feels like.  Don’t judge or resist your inner-workings.  Simply accept and breathe.  Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to feel more natural.  This way, when you are in the thick of a deep conversation with a friend or partner, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, and learn to fully connect and compromise.

Bottom line:  Be Present.  Give the people you care about your full attention.  Let them see their own beauty in your eyes.  Let them find their own voice through your listening ears.  Help them discover their own greatness in your presence.

  1. Some relationships aren’t meant to last.

There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life in the long-term no matter how much you want them to.  They pass through your life in a shorter time frame than you had hoped to teach you things they never could have taught you if they stayed.

So many people think friends or lovers have to be the perfect fit, because that’s what everyone tells you to want – that’s the Hollywood love story.  Of course, it’s nice when relationships stay healthy and last, but that doesn’t mean your failed relationships aren’t equally as important.  Some people you engage with will be like a mirror – people who show you things that are holding you back, people who show you the ways that don’t work, people who bring your insecurities and misjudgments to your own attention so you can change your life.

It’s these people – the ones who come into your life for a short time and teach you a priceless lesson – that are some of the most important people you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you until you’re wide awake.

Do you want to live with these people in your life forever?  No way – that would be way too painful!  They come into your life to shake you up, tear apart your ego, flip your perspective, show you your obstacles, break your heart and mind open so new rays of light can shine in, just to reveal another layer of YOU to yourself, and then they move on like they’re supposed to.

Take their lessons as gifts and be sure you move on too.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  Why do some good relationships go bad?  Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

 

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

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Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

 

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