9 things to help prevent your EX from ruining your world.

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I’ll admit to getting stuck in a negative feedback loop where I had lots of trouble with shutting down my thoughts about an ex in the past. Maybe you can relate.

Wouldn’t you want to know how to stop thinking about your ex? I sure did. I wished that my thoughts of her would just fade, but I am stubborn and was obsessed. It seemed like everywhere I went, there were reminders. The jokes we told. The places we went. The things we bought together. All the bonding experiences. Sad breakup songs. Everything.

And it was over.

I wondered how she was. I thought about calling and/or texting. I fantasized that she might realize what a huge mistake she made (I thought) and come running back. I was wasting time living in the past, hoping for a relationship that just didn’t seem to be re-materializing, no matter how much wishing and hoping I did.

The days turned into months, and I realized she wasn’t coming back, but that didn’t seem to stop my incessant thoughts about her. That’s what drove me to come up with this game plan to finally get the obsessive thoughts of her gone for good.

  1. Clear Out Your Environment

Get a friend or family member to help if you’re feeling weak and not quite ready to completely clear the decks. Go through your house and find everything that they gave you or that strongly reminds you of them. Grab everything within reason, but clear it out as well as you can. If you’re feeling strong, donate or toss. If you’re not sure, box up the most tender items and give them to a friend to keep for you until later. Set aside everything that still belongs to your ex.

It is also helpful to rearrange your furniture and declutter. If you make a visible change to your environment, it will leave a “changed” input on yourself conscious that will help you mark the end of the relationship.

While you’re clearing out your environment, you’re clearing a path to stop thinking about your ex. Once you finish this step, the anchors in your environment which remind you of them will be gone, replaced with a fresh slate. This is so powerful, and people are most tempted to skip this step, but it’s one of the most important.

  1. Tie Up Loose Ends

Next, it’s time to take the items that still belong to your ex and make concrete plans to give them back. If the items are small, postal mail is a nice way to do it. That way you get to mail it off and it’s done without dealing with your ex or ripping the wound open by seeing them. If you can’t afford it or the items are large and numerous, then your next options are thus:

  1. A. Call them and have them pick up the items – This is a tough one, since you’re relying on them to show up, follow instructions, heed your wishes, etc. This can be a tough bargain with an ex, especially one who you aren’t getting along with. This is not recommended.
  2. B. Beg a friend to drop the items off – This is an option for the sheepish and heartbroken.
  3. C. Call them and arrange a time to drop their items off – The nice part about this is that you don’t have to worry about whether they will show up, let you down, turn up late or any other nonsense. If they aren’t there when you get there, you can leave the items.

If they won’t respond to your communication, you have several options. You can notify them via text or mail that if they don’t collect their stuff within 30 days, you are going to donate everything or sell it. You can drop the items off anyway. Whatever you do, you must do something with their stuff to get it resolved and out of your life.

By far, the best thing to do is to handle it head on. Get the items to their zone, and get it over with.

If you do the call and wait option, you’re on the hook for whenever (if ever) they want to parachute into your life. Be proactive so that you can get past this. If the whole point is to get them off your mind, waiting for them to come deal with their stuff is not the way to do it.

Also, deal with your joint bank accounts, get them to forward their mail if you both lived together, get all the loose ends tied up that you can.

If you’re working with lawyers, do what you can to get the process moving along more smoothly. If you’re in the way of progress when it comes to custody or the court, rethink your position. Do whatever steps you can that smooth out the transition from your end. If you’re holding onto something of theirs, release it. You don’t need it anymore.

  1. Delete Them from Your Social Media

I debated about whether to make this its own separate step or simply put it under “loose ends.” I made it separate because having reminders of your ex available over social media 24/7 is such a pervasive thing. Social media updates, cyber stalking and the ramifications of a breakup over social media, drives people to distraction so often that it deserves its own article.

Go to all the social media outlets you use, and clean out your ex. Do a full sweep of all your photos, “unfriend,” “unfollow,” etc. Go out of your way to delete all traces of them. Even if the service makes it difficult. Even if you worry that you’ll be hurting their feelings. Even if you have pictures where you’re both tagged together. Doing this will reduce the tendency to obsess, be thrown into a tail-spin every time you see something from them, wonder when they’re going to delete you, etc. Do it all.

This way you aren’t tempted to cyber stalk them in moments of weakness or send them telepathic status updates. Just clear them out the same way you did with their stuff. Don’t concern yourself with what they think, what your friends and family think, what your dog thinks. This is about getting your life and your sanity back. You need to erase all reminders of them from your life. If you aren’t feeling strong, remember that you can always re-add them later if there is some huge new development. For now, delete all.

 

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  1. Talk About Your Breakup Incessantly For 7 Days

Talk about her until you’re sick of hearing yourself for the next week. Give it a full 7 days of non-stop discussion of all things breakup. Wallow. Do it.

Asking people to stop obsessing cold turkey just doesn’t work. You need the floodgates to open so that you can shut them. Go at it, with the solid resolve that you’ll completely stop discussing them after the week is up. To stop thinking about them, you’ll need to stop talking about them, but first, get it all out.

  1. Put an End to All Discussion

After the week is up, announce to your friends and family that you no longer want to hear about your ex or discuss her anymore. Tell them that you really appreciate their support so far and you are making the steps to move on so you would appreciate if they wouldn’t mention her at all. Tell them you don’t want updates about how your ex is doing either, if the friends are mutual.

If they slip up, change the subject gracefully. They have supported you tirelessly up until this point, remember. Your ex has become “your news.” Since you’re working on refreshing your news, be compassionate. If they’re just hoping for gossip and going on and on, distance yourself from them for now while you make changes. Eventually all mention of your ex will cease driving you crazy.

  1. Do A Little Ceremony

After the seven days are up and you’ve told your friends and family that the ex-topic is over, it’s time to do a little ceremony that symbolizes moving into a new chapter in your life. You can burn a few pictures of the two of you together, like on friends, or you can simply burn candles and think about the start of your shiny new life. Use your creativity, but whatever you do, the point is to signify that a new beginning has arrived.

  1. Get Yourself a Rubber Band and A Stop Sign

Each time that your ex pops into your head, picture a big red stop sign and snap a rubber band on your wrist. I particularly like using one of those rubber bracelets for a cause, this way you’re stylish, support a good cause AND getting over her at the same time. You’ll feel silly, and this is the point, but stick with it. If you have to, say “Stop” right out loud. Immediately focus on something else.

  1. Use The 3×5 Method for Stubborn Thought Patterns

If you’re having trouble with only using your stop sign and rubber band, every time your ex pops into your mind, center yourself using the 3×5 exercise:

  1. 1. Notice 3 things that are currently seeing visually.
  2. 2. Notice 3 things that you are currently hearing.
  3. 3. Notice 3 things you smell.
  4. 4. Notice how 3 things you are touching feel.
  5. 5. Notice 3 things you taste.

Once you’ve done this, it’s hard to be anything except centered in your own body. Use this reboot whenever you’re lost in the past. It’s a good way to snap your consciousness right back into the present.

  1. Maintenance

At some point in the past, before you knew your ex, you didn’t think about her. That sounds glib and obvious, but it’s not. It’s easy to get stuck on the idea that your life will never, ever be okay again. This is simply not true. Remember that all of this will take time and practice. You can’t do these nine steps and then magically have the clouds lift without some work.

Remember that this is your opportunity to use your breakup to recreate an amazing life. You’ve been given the chance to start over with a fresh slate. This is scary sometimes, but a rare opportunity to do the things that you love and might have neglected while you were coupled up. If you ever felt stifled in your relationship (and who doesn’t, on occasion), you have a fresh new start.

If your feelings about your ex go beyond this level, or your life feels like it’s falling apart, it might be time to see a therapist or consider your options that way. Don’t let this breakup be the defining action of your life.

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

******************************************************************************

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

 

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

 

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share

 

 

Home things and linen.

mylinenworld.com/adolphmontanye/

Makeup Eraser

montanyecorp.makeuperaser.com/

Home items and décor

montanyecorp.pineoakfarm.com/

Awesome supplement and nutritional program

montanyecorp.le-vel.com/

Women and men’s clothing and accessories

shops.zindigo.com/Montanyes

Adult Toys and gifts (must be 18 or older)

naughtyds.theydirty.com/

 

 

When you find the one I am Ordained and can officiate your wedding

 

reverendmontanye.wixsite.com/love

 

9 -1

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10 elements to consider behesting upon your relationship.

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Love is not just about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship.  It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build until the end.  A relationship should be healthy, caring, loving, kind, upbeat, and positive.  It should make your smile a little wider and your life a little brighter.

Happy, healthy personal relationships are one of the greatest joys of life.  So starting today, choose to take control of your relationship with your significant other.  Here are ten things to follow together.

I. We will remember that every person and relationship is different.

People don’t fall in love with what makes you the same; they fall in love with what makes you different.  Be your imperfectly perfect self.  We are not perfect for everyone, we are only perfect for those select few people that really take the time to get to know us and love us for who we really are.  And to those select few, being our imperfectly perfect self is what they love most about us.

Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s – not your parent’s, friend’s, coworker’s, or that random couple whose relationship seems perfect.  Every couple makes their own love rules, love agreements, and love habits.  Just focus on you two, and making your relationship the best it can be.

II. We will listen to each other openly, without judgment.

It’s far too easy to look at someone and make a snap judgment about them.  But you’d be amazed at the pain and tears a smile hides.  What a person shows to the public is only a small fraction of the iceberg hidden from sight.  And more often than not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that run all the way to the foundation of their soul.

Never judge.  Learn to respect and acknowledge the feelings of your significant other.  Pay close attention to them.  Be present.  We don’t always need advice.  Sometimes all we need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand.  There is a time to speak out and a time to remain silent.  True wisdom comes from knowing the difference.  And this difference can make or break a healthy relationship.

III.  We will say what we mean and mean what we say.

Share what is going on in your mind and heart.  Share your deepest thoughts, needs, wishes, hopes, and dreams.  Open communication and honesty is vital to healthy relationships.  Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.

Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication running.  Start communicating clearly.  Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people, especially your significant other, try to read yours

IV. We will support each other through good times and bad.

Be there through the good, bad, happy, and sad times – no matter what.  Be willing to provide a listening ear, a hug, and emotional support in all circumstances.  Trust that you can count on each other, and be available not only when it’s convenient, but when you need each other the most

V. We will be loyal.

True love and real friendship aren’t about being inseparable.  These relationships are about two people being true to each other even when they are separated.  When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority.  Loyalty is everything.

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VI. We will live by the truth.

Inner peace is being able to rest at night knowing you haven’t used or taken advantage of anyone to get to where you are in life.  Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons.  Run a marathon.  Live so that when others think of fairness, integrity and reliability, they think of you.

VII.  We will spend quality time with each other.

Make time for each other.  With our busy schedules we often forget to relax and enjoy the great company we have.  In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection.  Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart.  So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern hurts more than angry words

Carve out special time for just the two of you once a week.  Do something fun.  Spend time together talking, going on dates, and making each other laugh.  Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it’s also true that shared laughter can make a good relationship great.

VIII.  We will appreciate each other and help each other grow.

Having an appreciation for how amazing your significant other is leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So be happy for them when they’re making progress.  Cheer for their victories.  Celebrate their accomplishments, and encourage their goals and ambitions.  Challenge them to be the best they can be.  And be thankful for their blessings, openly.

IX. We will settle disputes peacefully.

Not much is worth fighting about.  Heated arguments are a waste of time.  If you can avoid it, don’t fight.  Step back from arguments with your loved ones.

When you feel anger surging up and you want to yell that vulgar remark on tip of your tongue, just close your mouth and walk away.  Don’t let your anger get the best of you.  You don’t have to be right or win an argument.  It just doesn’t matter that much.  Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.

X. We will love and respect ourselves as individuals too.

Our first and last love is self-love.  Don’t rely on your significant other, or anyone else, for your happiness and self worth.  Only you can be responsible for that.  If you can’t love and respect yourself, no one else will be able to either.

Accept who you are completely – the good and the bad.  And make changes in your life as YOU see fit – not because you think anyone else wants you to be different, but because you know it’s the right thing to do, for you.

ten 3

 

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

******************************************************************************

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

 

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

 

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share

Home things and linen.

mylinenworld.com/adolphmontanye/

Makeup Eraser

montanyecorp.makeuperaser.com/

Home items and décor

montanyecorp.pineoakfarm.com/

Awesome supplement and nutritional program

montanyecorp.le-vel.com/

Women and men’s clothing and accessories

shops.zindigo.com/Montanyes

Adult Toys and gifts (must be 18 or older)

naughtyds.theydirty.com/

When you find the one I am Ordained and can officiate your wedding

reverendmontanye.wixsite.com/love

 

ten 1

Slow your pace. Relax a bit. All in due time killer.

rush 3

 

Here’s to the ones who take it slow.

Not because they don’t like you and they’re trying just to delay the inevitable. They’re not trying to let you down easy when they say they want to go slow — really, it’s the opposite, because they like you so much, and that’s terrifying to say. That’s too much, too soon, isn’t it? Is it everything they’re fighting against? Is that what they call ironic?

And it’s not because they’re unsure about you. They’re as sure as anyone ever could be that this is something special, that this could be something real. They’re not sure that you think so, too, but they’re hopeful, you know. That you could feel this way, that this could be something more than a crazy little crush, a silly little fling. Here’s to the ones who want it to last longer than that. Who wants to drag out the minutes until they turn into days and months and years?

Maybe taking things slow is protection, their way of playing it safe. Not that they’re afraid that you’ll hurt them, but you never know, you know? Because no matter how many times we can each promise it, no matter how good our intentions, somebody will slip up somewhere down the line. Not that we mean to, not that we’re looking to do it, but sometimes the most painful things come out of honest ignorance and careless neglect. And maybe if you take things slow, you can watch every step as you go. But still, if we overanalyze everything, will we even get anywhere at all?

When we’re little kids, we’re taught to take our time with stuff. To make sure that we’re doing it right, that we’re not making any mistakes as we go. But life is full of mistakes, no matter how careful you are, and anyway, as you get older, it seems like you can’t wait to grow up and do everything you can. That there’s so much living left to do, and we must see it all and do it all before it’s too late. It’s smart, in a way, because you never do really know if and when and where things may end. They always could.

But those lazy weekend mornings are just as good as taking a road trip to nowhere just because we can, and these people — these dreamers, the ones who take it slow — will want to hold onto how it feels like their heart is about to jump out of their chest when you call, and they’ll want to learn and relearn the cadences of your voice and your favorite book and your favorite quotes and your favorite movie and why.

Maybe taking things slow is just their way of pretending that not everything comes to an end. After all, it doesn’t have to. And you won’t know that, really, you were doomed from the start until you get to the end.

So, here’s to the ones who just start anyway, and see where they end up. Maybe there’s no brakes, maybe there’s no way to take things any way other than how we take them. Maybe you’re meant to fall hard and fast, as some people always do with everything. Here’s to the ones who are sorry if it seems obsessive, who are sorry if it seems crazy. But we are all a little crazy, you know, and we go even crazier for the things we — well, the things we’re crazy about.

rush 2

Like you.

Because here’s to the ones who know what they like, and who can find a way to say it in their own quiet way. To the ones who like someone so much it scares them, and who freeze when they hear that one voice, and who think that maybe, if you just take things slow, you can come back up to speed together.

But mostly, here’s to the ones who want to take things slow with you because when you find something good, you want to hold on, and the very last thing you want is to reach the end of the rope. Not ever, not anytime soon, not now when you could take things slow.

 

Furthermore, there is a point that too slow is not so good either. I am not sure what the right length of time is however I can say from experience that I have personally attempted a relationship with a woman that my pursuit lasted almost a year. What can I say I liked our conversations and the way we could joke. Frankly the way I felt being near her was as if we were partners in whatever was thrown at us. I am of old values so it was never damn I want to lick this chic like a snow cone on a hot summer day.  However, for some reason the next step was never taken (not on my part I hinted and frankly out right asked, was never told no just never happened), Not sure if she wasn’t interested or maybe I am not her type too old for her, ugly, or a multitude of other reason. Or maybe it was just because of her past relationships she no longer feels she can love or trust, or she is simply just not ready. To this day, I enjoy talking with her and still enjoy when we do talk. Just decided I was no longer going to be the cause of her feeling uncomfortable and no longer try for a relationship.  This was possibly damaging for her but emotionally caused me to evaluate my own worth. The only wish is that if you are even the slightest bit interested talk about it be honest with yourself and each other. If your relationship is just meant to be at a friend’s only capacity so be it, just TALK AND BE HONEST. You never know what the world has in store for you. Embrace it and go with the flow.

 

 

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

******************************************************************************

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

 

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

 

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share

Home things and linen.

mylinenworld.com/adolphmontanye/

Makeup Eraser

montanyecorp.makeuperaser.com/

Home items and décor

montanyecorp.pineoakfarm.com/

Awesome supplement and nutritional program

montanyecorp.le-vel.com/

Women and men’s clothing and accessories

shops.zindigo.com/Montanyes

Adult Toys and gifts (must be 18 or older)

naughtyds.theydirty.com/

 

 

When you find the one I am Ordained and can officiate your wedding

 

reverendmontanye.wixsite.com/love

 

rush 1

 

 

Perhaps the risk of Heartbreak is worth the chance of love.

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I’ve had my fair share of both amazing and horrific experiences with women. I don’t fall in love easily, and I’m not one to settle, so I’m sure you can imagine that my dating experiences have been very… colorful.

Sometimes things end well. Sometimes they don’t. The one thing that has yet to change is that things always end. This isn’t the goal. But “it is what it is.” People are what make relationships complicated. I’m not a straightforward person, and I like dating complex women. So, finding myself in complex and emotionally intense situations isn’t uncommon.

I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t get his interest caught too often. But when my interest is piqued, I’m not likely to back down. I’m stubborn like that, only because I know what I Like — and I like what I like.

Nevertheless, spending years not being able to find anyone who clicks does get a bit frustrating. The truth is that even though I wanted to date again, I wasn’t really ready to date again. I’d been going through a rough patch, and although I can’t say that I “wasn’t myself,” I wasn’t the best version of myself. My sanity was being stretched on all ends: Family issues, business issues, love issues, friend issues, etc…

Some people are afraid to fall in love again because they fear heartbreak. That isn’t me. If anything, I’m afraid of breaking hearts. I’m okay with having my heart broken. You should be, too. In fact, that’s what being in love is. It’s having your heart break every time you miss your partner, every time you must say goodbye, every time you get a little jealous or worried about your companion’s safety.

Heartbreaks remind us we’re in love. You can’t avoid heartbreak in relationships. Even the relationships that never end still give us some grief. But that isn’t the kind of heartbreak we fear, is it? No — our biggest fear is usually watching our loved one walk away (it adds insult to injury when there’s no warning).

I can’t say that I blame you; I don’t wish that sort of heartache on to anyone. Losing the one you love is a life-changing experience. Sometimes it’s for the better; sometimes it’s for the worse. But people do change. If we’re wise, how can we grow as partners and individuals? Relationships fail because the people in them make mistakes.

As long as we learn from our mistakes, we have a better chance of making our next relationship succeed. The desire to make something last will make you give love another try. You’ll set your fears and reservations aside and allow yourself to love again. You’re going to need to risk having your heart broken into millions of pieces if you ever want to love again. Because without that risk, it isn’t love.

Do you have it in you to take such a leap of faith? I sure hope so. Because if you’re like me, you’ll never be content until you find someone to love. Do I fear having my heart broken? No. In fact, I anticipate that — it’s part of the excitement. Not knowing if things will work out — if she will fall for me, if she will continue to love me — is what love is supposed to be.

You’re not supposed to know. You’re not supposed to feel entirely secure. Your relationship needs to feel as if it’s capable of falling apart. Why? That’s simple: because your relationship is always at risk of falling apart. Just because you choose not to accept this doesn’t change it. Most people get too comfortable when their relationship is going well for a long time. Most people only try to impress their partners for as long as it takes to lock the relationship down. Once people have the apple of their eye to themselves, they feel as if their work is done.

Chances are that the last relationship you had failed because either you or your partner got lazy and stopped trying. He stopped trying to impress you. She stopped trying to be the partner you wanted. He stopped trying to make your life better, more exciting, more romantic and more loving. Somehow, your soulmate became a roommate, and you were surprised that everything broke down. It’s funny — you fear having your heart broken. You fear loving again. You fear all the overwhelming emotions that love brings.

But you know what? You’re going to look back on all of it one day. You’re going to run through your life in your mind when you’re old and withered, and what do you think will be your most significant memories? What do you think you are going to want to relive? The answer: Love. You’re going to wish you did more of it. You’re going to wish you risked having your heart broken more often. You’re going to wish you could continue feeling as amazing, as horrible and as sad as love managed to make you feel. Because those days — the ones that made you feel alive — are gone. I’d rather have my heart broken then to never love at all. Because I know for a fact that I will never regret falling in love.

 

supply_chain_risk

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

******************************************************************************

Again, thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments, please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

 

So, as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So, with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been established for 6 months up to years. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above-mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks, Dolph

 

Links may not be clickable if not please copy and paste and remember to share

 

 

Home things and linen.

mylinenworld.com/adolphmontanye/

Makeup Eraser

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Unrequited Love

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‘Unrequited love’ – sounds kind of old-fashioned, doesn’t it? It conjures up scenes of 18th-century folk wandering around misty moors, composing poetry, passionately yearning for the merest glimpse of their beloved. Infatuation, longing, and love can be agonizing when they remain unreciprocated; when the focus of your love sees you as ‘just a friend’ (or not even that). Unrequited love can hurt like @#!*% .

Unrequited love’s pedigree

The concept of unrequited love may sound out of date. But, as evidenced by the huge number of people searching the term online, human concerns haven’t really changed all that much since good old Will Shakespeare purportedly wrote: “Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.”

Most of us experience the pangs of unreturned affection at some point in our lives. But for some folk, unrequited love becomes obsessive; they come to feel that they can become complete and fulfilled only through union with the object of their longings. The danger is that they come to feel that without that union, their life loses all meaning. And when meaning drains from life, we become depressed. So, what are some of the common symptoms?

Unrequited love is seriously distracting!

“My thoughts continually turn to her; every song reminds me of her face. I fantasize about us being together. Sometimes I awaken and know I’ve been dreaming about her. It’s an ache that literally hurts my chest. In the hours and days after seeing her, I can’t eat, sleep, or concentrate on work! It’s not just infatuation; it’s real love!”

Unrequited love can lead to listlessness, anxiety, disturbed sleep, and depression. The great philosopher Charlie Brown put it so well: “Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.” And that’s very germane. Unrequited love can feel overwhelming and spoil many of life’s enjoyments – making all contact, other than with the beloved, seem pointless.

So, what can you do about it?

As with all emotional distress, there are things you can do to lessen and even stop the pain. Try these and who knows; you might be moving on quicker than you’d thought possible.

1) Can you accept that they’re just not that into you?

There’s a massive amount to be said for resilience and determination, but as with anything, context is vital. There is also much to commend flexibility and the capacity to exercise the knowledge of when to ‘cut your losses’. Love is romantic; those moments of utter connection and transcendental sympathy with another person, almost as if nature wants us to experience a merging of two into one as a kind of universal blueprint and preparation for a more spiritual fulfilment. Now I’m getting carried away. But everything must have practical basis.

We are brainwashed by romantic fiction to believe that enough determination will awaken within others what they don’t know themselves. And if we only try hard enough, we’ll get our guy or girl – it works in romantic fiction, right?

Don’t fall for this. How much time (including fantasy time) have you spent on this person?

“If only I could make them see… Just a little longer, if we could just speak together…”

Enough already. It may sound harsh, but sometimes knowing when to give up is the first step to real success.

2) Know (really know) who you are in love with

Ever heard of jailhouse love? Don’t get me wrong; the unattainable may have its attractions (not having to confront reality is one of them). However, that ‘unattainable’ may be doing life for mass murder. Maybe you’ve hardly ever met that unattainable in the flesh, but it suits you to believe that he (usually he) is just ‘misunderstood’; that beneath that cold-hearted, psychopathic, mass-murdering exterior, he’s really a loving and lovable guy just in need of some unconditional love.

A woman who falls for a man in jail is a stark illustration of what we can all do to a lesser extent. She has fallen for a man she’s met in her mind who is, perhaps, barely approximated by the man in jail. She may even marry that ‘man in her mind’ even as the fleshy incarnation of her own inner phantasm rots in prison.

We all do this to some extent – not fall in love with serial killers, but create an image in our mind of whom we fall for as distinct from the real person. That’s fine in some ways, but not if the fantasy and the person are in reality very different.

Are you in love with a fantasy – a concoction? Do you love this other person or your own creative projection? Many people who fall in love deeply quickly feel as if they ‘know’ the person for whom they’ve fallen. If the person they’ve fallen for is mainly a concoction of their own imagination, then it’s not surprising they feel an instant connection.

When unrequited love feels overwhelming, dwell on this idea: that you may not love the real them at all because you don’t know them.

3) Keep your wider life going, and growing

The thoughts stemming from the feelings of unrequited love are all or nothing: “Without this person, my life is meaningless! … Unless I have them, I don’t want anyone!” Putting all of one’s eggs in one basket is always a dangerous strategy. “If I could only have this person, then all my problems would disappear!”

When we’re in love, we just want to be in love. The chores, mundanities, and obligations of life become unwanted distractions clawing for our attention, which we’d rather reserve for the love of our life. This becomes dangerous if we begin to neglect other friendships and human contact (because they are not the person).

Unrequited love hits harder if we stop meeting our basic emotional needs for companionship, creativity, and emotional intimacy (which can be got from good friends). Get outside, exercise, go and see non-romantic movies, call up old friends you haven’t seen in a while. Keep doing all the stuff you’d normally do, even if you don’t feel like it, as these activities will buffer your peace of mind and help you move beyond your forlorn focus.

Ah, this brings us onto…

4) Glimpse the future in all its possible forms

Once a king who felt victim to the ebbs and flows of his mind gathered his wisest advisors and set them a task: “Produce for me an artefact that whenever I am low will make me feel better and whenever I am too high and mighty will steady my state and bring me balance.” The advisors duly reported back to him a few days later and the wisest presented the king with a golden ring. The king put the ring on and noticed that when he looked carefully, he could see the inscribed legend, “This too will pass”. In future, whenever the king felt overwhelmed by anything at all, he would read these words and reflect on them.

When I was three, I was ‘in love’ with a red toy bus; seriously, it was perhaps the focus of my life and I would insist on taking it everywhere – that bus and I were meant to be together…always. That’s how it felt at the time, anyway. The point? It feels like it’s always going to feel this way; but it won’t always feel this way. There have been literally decades in which I hadn’t thought about that toy bus. Back then, if I’d verbalized it, I would have scorned the idea that one day I’d ‘move on’ from my early bus love. And, dare I say, it can be the same for people we’ve loved.

Get into the habit of self-hypnotically projecting your mind into the future – to a time when you can look back to the present and wonder what all the fuss was about. This is a great way to start to naturally feel better – above and beyond all the ‘good sensible advice’.

 

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5) Get out of the pit

When we’re in love, even if it’s with our own imaginative version of a person, it’s easy to wallow in romantic fiction, ‘Rom-Coms’, poems about undying love, mid-distance dreamy staring in the checkout queue, Cameron Diaz and Colin Firth. But overdoing this can cause you further problems. If you’re really suffering because of your unrequited passions, then this is akin to rubbing salt into a lacerated leg wound repeatedly. It’s going to hurt.

At the risk of presenting myself as completely insane, I once asked a client who had been obsessing about a woman he worked with and was finding night times impossible to deal with to “research the top twenty service stations in Utah as rated by customers”. I asked him to compile me a report on it. Romantic or what!

My rapport with this man was such that I convinced him to do it – and because he was a perfectionist, once he’d agreed, he couldn’t not do it. The next day, he came in and told me that after this onerous but logical task, he’d slept soundly, hadn’t much thought about this woman, and felt like he turned a corner. I’m not suggesting you do this task, but I am illustrating a point.

Do things that engage your logical, planning, strategic brain. When people are depressed, they have less activity in the prefrontal lobes of the left side of their brain, so purposefully doing logical activities (which can be way more interesting than that guy’s task) can help stabilize mood and help you feel much more detached and objective about stuff that was bothering you. You need perspective to deal with unrequited love.

6) Watch out – it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you

When you love someone, who doesn’t seem to care for you (or at least not as much), it can be easy to agonize over why they don’t like/love you the way you do them. The fact is, you may be the best looking, wittiest, brightest, most fun person in the world, and they still may not like you the way you like them. Trying to get something from someone who doesn’t have it to give is a little like King Cnut commanding the waves to stop their tidal flow to shore. If they don’t love you, it’s not because you’ve done anything wrong. Some people aren’t very good at loving.

7) Find someone who can give you what you need

Loving whilst being loved in return – that great emotional symmetry – is what really fulfils. Some people get into the destructive pattern of only really falling for people who are ‘unavailable’ in some way, perhaps because they are with someone else or emotionally unable to commit to a relationship. Unconsciously making unavailability a prerequisite for falling in love is like insisting on going swimming only in dry deserts – it’s never going to really work. If you have been doing this (or you suspect you have), at least become conscious of it and reflect that it’s a self-defeating strategy.

Focus on finding someone who likes you for who you are. And don’t confuse the intensity of agony with the intensity of real love. You’ll know once you have found the real thing, because it will flow in both directions.

Just think for a moment how wonderful it’s going to feel when you no longer have to obsess about that person. How you’ll be able to choose whether to think about them or not. And when you do, you are able to feel calm and detached, putting it down to part of life’s rich tapestry of experience.

Real love should make you happy and contented, not miserable and anxious. Unrequited love can never be anything but painful. For harmony in a relationship, the force of attraction needs to be balanced. Just imagine how good it’s going to be when you find someone who knows how to love you as you love them.

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I am still looking for a story from a female’s perspective so please write one and send it to me. You can stay anonymous I will only disclose your name if you want me to.

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Some of the worse relationship advice reviewed.

advice-2

Many lifestyle websites, talk shows, podcasts, and parenting puff pieces aim to give readers and viewers the best relationship advice. But many of the common adages debated and discussed in popular threads these days actually provide questionable advice. Below we explore the dubious claims of frequent and familiar relationship maxims.

  1. Stay together for the kids. (Today, and lots of divorce blogs)

Or rather, don’t. Because two miserable parents together doesn’t make for a sane and happy home life. In fact, it’s the opposite. As the offspring of divorced parents, I can tell you there are far worse things in life than having to celebrate two Christmases.

  1. Love happens when you stop looking for it. (Elite Daily)

On one level, this makes sense—and indeed, we think love happens when you “stop bitching and get a life,” that is, cultivate your own interests and hobbies, stop fixating on any one outcome and believing a relationship will solve all your problems. ‘Cause, it won’t. But you know, it helps if you like, go on a date every once in a while. Does this count as “looking”? We think so.

  1. Once you’ve hit a certain age, you have to lower your expectations. (The “Mr. Good Enough” phenomenon)

I guess if you’re 90 and still waiting for Antonio Banderas to show up at your Silver Sneakers gentle aerobinautics class and carry you off into the sunset since you can no longer walk unassisted, then OK, maybe it’s time to lower the bar. But people aren’t like 1997 Honda Accords: they don’t depreciate with time. Neither should our standards for prospective partners. Recuerdame, Antonio!

  1. Pretend you have a problem: you might meet some nice people at AA/Weight Watchers/Codependents Anonymous. (YourTango)

Why stop there? We hear the methodone clinic is really bangin’ this time of year. Also, who takes advice from a Chuck Palahnuik novel?

This is an extreme example, but a common refrain of certain advice sects tells women and men to pretend they like activities that they don’t to gauge a date’s interest, such as Fantasy Football or Tupperware parties. Don’t fake who you are or what you like, because you’ll either get caught or be forced to spend your life crying into airtight containers that lock in both freshness and regret.

  1. Moving in together will solve all your problems! (TV;Oprah; our collective desire for a quick-fix and walk-in closet)

Who hasn’t looked at the person they’re cry-fighting with and thought, “Everything would be fine if only we could split the cable bill!”

Answer: No one. Moving in with a partner when you’re already having problems is only going to exacerbate those problems and give you less space in which to leave or throw things. We know you desperately want to co-own your boyfriend’s VHS copy of Kindergarten Cop, but trust us, it’s not worth it.

  1. Having a baby will bring you closer together than ever before! (Parents)

Sure, babies will bring you closer… to murdering your baby due to sleep deprivation, never having a moment to yourself and the loss of both your sex life and social life. Babies are exhausting. If your relationship is anything other than SOLID, having one will only further strain your already strained existence. (Also, see “staying for the kids” and “moving in.”)

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  1. Once a cheater, always a cheater. (Psychology Today; common expression)

Like all common sayings, there is a certain degree of truth to this adage. Like all common sayings, however, it’s far too simplistic to describe actual people, nor is it an accurate predictor of whether someone will cheat on you. It’s easy to dismiss a past cheater as “bad” and write them off forever, but the potential to get hurt or hurt someone else is there in every relationship, and that doesn’t mean we should preemptively give up simply because we might get hurt down the line. I’m not saying you have to swish about your life blindly hoping that everything will work out OK—by all means, be cautious, keep your eyes open—but don’t let fear run the show.

“Fear is an asshole,” as the adage I just made up goes.

  1. “It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet.” (Uma Thurman,MSN Living)

Everyone knows those are the only two options that exist. Also, way harsh, Uma! We’ve never known anyone to flush a relationship down the toilet for not flushing a toilet.

  1. If your partner does something you don’t like, try withholding sex. (Fox News)

It worked in Lysistrata, I guess. But you’re not trying to end the Peloponnesian War, you’re trying to get your boyfriend to take out the recycling more. Turning happy-naked-times into a bartering tool is manipulative and sad. We suggest you try talking to your partner instead. Radical!

  1. Don’t be so shallow. (Girls Ask Guys)

As a general rule, En Vogue lyrics provide solid relationship advice, but when it comes to attraction, you are allowed to be shallow. It’s OK to be picky, within reason. Common wisdom dictates we should take a PC approach to dating and that not being attracted to everyone makes us horrible people. But it doesn’t.

It’s fine if you love beards or long legs or girls with short hair or men who wear jewelry. It’s your prerogative and it’s impossible to fake. That said, if you find your selectivity is inhibiting your life, then don’t be so shallow, meaning don’t toss perfectly cool people aside simply because they don’t have your desired specifications for Surprised Eyebrows.

  1. Don’t sleep with him too soon. (Huffington Post; common abstinence speech)

As Jesus never said: Your vagina is like Velcro, the more you use it, the more it’ll become like Reeboks Comfort Deluxe walking shoes from Dillards, i.e., worthless.

Contrary to evangelical opinion, what you do with your vagina is not linked to your self-worth. If you want to sleep with him, then that’s the time to sleep with him, regardless of what slut-shamers try to tell you.

  1. “I had to find a diet that would kick me back into dating shape, because I know that I can’t date at size 8. I have to date at size 2. And it’s just a fact of nature. Go get your injections and your chemical peels. You gotta look good to attract a man.” (Patti Stanger, matchmaker for millionaires)

Once you’ve exhausted your supply of diet salad and giving yourself face cancer, don’t forget to bleach your vagina “the color of a Barbie dream house.”

 

Stop damaging your relationship with over-thinking

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I have to admit, I am an over-thinker. I can take a perfectly normal circumstance and analyze, critique, and dissect it into all its parts until it no longer makes any sense whatsoever. And I know I am not the only one who suffers from this type of thinking.

Maybe anxiety has something to do with it. Maybe fear. All the what-ifs vying for attention every few seconds. It can be exhausting. But more than that, it can be damaging to you and the one you are in a relationship with.

If you are an over-thinker, or have been in a relationship with an over-thinker, you know what I am talking about.

FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, THE FASTEST WAY TO DAMAGE A RELATIONSHIP, OR YOUR OWN WELL-BEING, IS TO OVER-THINK EVERYTHING. AND I’LL TELL YOU WHY.

First, you need to understand what happens to the mind when you start to enter that “over-thinking mode”. You see something, or you hear something that makes you form a question in your head. Or you go back to something that was said or done in the past, and you focus on that. Suddenly, you are entering the over-thinking zone, and you are ill-prepared. (Over-thinking will catch you off guard most times.) The mind works in curious ways. It will divert all attention to things you would rather ignore and force you to deal with something until a resolution is reached- or until you pass out and remember it in the morning. You will catch yourself saying things like, “that doesn’t make sense,” or “I wouldn’t have done that,” or even” what does that mean?” Then comes the barrage of thoughts that hinder you from being happy.

When you look at something under a microscope, you only see the detail that makes up the entirety- you don’t actually see the big picture. It’s the same with over-thinking. You only see the things that are a small part of something much bigger. When you mention the little things that trigger your over-thinking response, when you ask 100 questions in regards to why your partner went out for pizza instead of going for the usual burger joint with their friends, when you ask why it took 35 minutes to respond to your text instead of the usual immediate response- you are focusing on the trivial instead of the important. What’s important is that your partner told you they went for pizza, and they did respond to your text. It’s the “why’s” that get us caught up in our own thoughts. The “why’s” are what cause a hindrance in our relationships and in our own progression, individually.

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The other side of this is over-thinking about what “you may be doing wrong.” Trust me, if you are worried that you might be doing something wrong, you are probably doing everything right except worrying about what you are doing wrong. Over-thinking leads to blame- one way or the other, you or them. Stop the blame cycle!

Breathe and learn to trust. Trust yourself and others. It really is the only way to move forward in your life. If you are thinking this is easier said than done, you’re right. But let’s be realistic… it’s usually easier to say something than to do it. To stop the damage being done to your relationship, you must stop the over-thinking. How to stop over-thinking? Well, there is no answer that will work for everyone; I can only tell you what worked for me.

Acceptance and letting go. Whatever happens in life is going to happen whether you think about it till your brain explodes, or not. Accept what life brings your way, and let go of the need to have all the answers.

Repeat after me: “I’m okay. He’s/she’s okay. We’re okay.” Those words have helped me more times than I can remember. 99% of the time, when you are over-thinking something, you create a problem that wasn’t there. And 99% of the time, you ARE okay, he/she IS okay, and you guys ARE OKAY. Seriously, use these words. Say them to yourself as many times as you need. Words are powerful and they can help you if you use them properly.
So, remember to breathe. Stop the blame. Accept and let go. “I’m okay.”
These reminders will help you to curb your over-thinking and put an end to the damage being caused by it.

 

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